The same day I posted it, I had a very difficult conversation with my son as I was putting him to bed. His vocal tic was very active that day and interfering with speaking. As I said good night, he said, "Mom, why do I have Tourette's? It's like God spun a wheel and it landed on me. Everyone else got one millionth of a chance of getting it and I got it all. It's not fair." I gave him a big hug and said, "Nope. It's not fair."
Right now life's doesn't feel fair to an eight year old boy. I understand. I had the same battle inside when I was struggling to get pregnant month after month after month. It was especially difficult on the days when a friend would announce she was pregnant and include that extra detail that it only took one try. And it didn't help when people would tell me, "Oh it will happen. You'll get a baby one day." I wish I could tell my son that some day his tics will go away. But I don't know that. So I don't say it. Some one has already said it to me though. Ugh.
Some days feel better than others for my son. On another night last week, he wondered what it would be like to meet other families with kids who have Tourette's. He said, "It would be like a 'Tic Band' with all of us doing our tics on the table." We both burst out in laughter as we tried to imagine the sound. It felt good to laugh together. My son needs to have the freedom to get angry, to grieve, to laugh and to find acceptance in his own time. I think we all do when life gives us more than we can handle.
As a parent, I want to walk this difficult road for him so he does't have to. But I know I can't. That night when I left his room with a heavy heart, I realized that because of my journey through infertility, I can be the mom I need to be to my son. I don't have to try to fix it. I can let him feel his feelings. Another unexpected gift to come out of the "yuck" of infertility. That was God giving me some perspective.
I wonder if one day my son will see the connection between his journey and my own. Will he realize that I wouldn't have him if I had given birth to a child? What will he see in the years to come that his life has been given because he has Tourette's? Will he be able to see those gifts?
Right now, I am asking God to give me the wisdom to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can. For me, that usually has a lot to do with changing my attitude or my perspective. And it would was good to be reminded this week that humor is a great place to start.
So enjoy your favorite dessert this week and maybe a good laugh too.
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